We moved! It went really smoothly, all things considered. We used the extra 3 weeks to get everything packed. Loading started at 8 am and we finished up around 10:30. We didn't rent a uhaul, instead we had planned to do multiple trips with my dad's trucks and trailer. Amazingly, everything fit in 3 pickup trucks, a trailer, and our minivan. We got it all done in one trip and had the rest of the day to unload and start the daunting task of unpacking.
It's been a week now and we love our new place. So far all of the neighbors we have interacted with have been very friendly. The view from the balcony is a large grass field framed by trees. It's very peaceful to sit out there and hear the birds. The kids love the apartment and there are several kids that play in the green space behind the building. We've enjoyed riding bikes in the parking lot with our new friends too.
Even though things are going pretty well and our new place is great, I've been feeling awful. I've had a hard time with the chaos of boxes everywhere and not being able to find the things I need when I need them. I like/NEED things to be organized. And I can't organize the whole apartment while three kids are disorganizing it faster than me. I was feeling frustrated and trapped and wishing my life could be more manageable. The stay home order is to keep people safe, and I support it, but it's been hard to stay home with little kids and amplified chaos from moving. I feel trapped. Like I'm in a crowded fishbowl. Quin and Ammon haven't been listening very well lately and with everything else going on I felt like I was at my wit's end last night. I knew I needed to go to bed a lot earlier than I did and try not to sleep in. But that was hard because when the kids finally go to bed in the evening I feel like I need to have some time to spend with myself. Sometimes I feel like I miss myself and I hardly know who I am anymore. My identity gets swallowed up in the cries of "mom! momma! mom, mom, mom." I told Michael how I felt and that I didn't want to wake up and do it all again tomorrow. I would rather die. I didn't want to feel that way. I wanted to wake up every morning feeling refreshed and ready to do lots of enriching activities that would create lifelong memories for the kids. I was mad that was not my reality. I prayed and asked for help.
Ruby woke up to nurse around 4:30. When she finished and fell back asleep at 5 I thought about trying to fall asleep for a couple more hours, but instead decided to try getting up early. I've been feeling that's what I should be doing, going to bed early and waking up early. As I got up an annoying pop song was stuck in my head again (Tik Tok). I didn't want to think about the lyrics of that song. Almost as soon as I had that thought, the song "I Feel My Savior's Love" came into my mind instead. As I "listened" to the lyrics float through my mind, I was struck by the 4th verse: "I'll share my Savior's love by serving others freely. In serving I am blessed, in giving I receive." I knew that was my answer to prayer when I asked Heavenly Father to help me with the kids. They're not going to be perfect. I don't have to make them perfect. I just have to serve them. I've tried to keep that in mind today as I put shoes on and off of little feet. I'm not being "put upon" to care for these children. My life isn't over or ruined. I have an opportunity to serve them. I want to remember that the next time I'm cleaning spaghetti sauce off the floor or cleaning up a potty accident. These children are a blessing in my life and my work as a mother is the opportunity to serve them.
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