Frozen 2 will always remind me of my youngest brother, Curtis. It was the last movie we watched together before he died. We saw it with my mom and my brother Trevor.
When we got to the part where Anna sings "The Next Right Thing," I was amazed that Disney created a song about what it feels to mourn the loss of a loved one. I remember thinking "this song could really help someone who is mourning" and I wanted to remember to share it with others in a similar situation. I never would have imagined it would be me mourning the person sitting a few feet away from me in a matter of weeks.
It's been 4 months since he passed. Michael wanted to watch Frozen 2 with me after the kids were in bed. Perhaps it seems odd that we watched a children's movie during our kid-free time, but that's actually what we usually do if we're not playing a game or listening to clean comedy. Also, Frozen 2 is very enjoyable to watch and incredibly beautiful, even if the plot doesn't quite make sense. Listening to and watching a character mourn the loss of a sibling pricked sharp feelings of grief in my own heart. What Anna describes is incredibly similar to the painful journey that my grief waded through. That night when I went to bed, I felt incredibly depressed and despondent. I woke up in the middle of the night and was pained with grief and sorrow. I thought I had made it through grieving for the most part. But that song triggered me unexpectedly. It made me realize I'll never truly be "done" grieving. There will always be something that reminds me of him. Every time I remember that I will never get to have another moment with him physically in this life causes me to mourn anew.
"I've seen dark before, but not like this
This is cold, this is empty, this is numb
The life I knew is over, the lights are out
Hello, darkness, I'm ready to succumb
I follow you around, I always have
But you've gone to a place I cannot find
This grief has a gravity, it pulls me down
But a tiny voice whispers in my mind
You are lost, hope is gone
But you must go on
And do the next right thing
Can there be a day beyond this night?
I don't know anymore what is true
I can't find my direction, I'm all alone
The only star that guided me was you
How to rise from the floor?
But it's not you I'm rising for
Just do the next right thing
Take a step, step again
It is all that I can to do
The next right thing
I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath, this next step
This next choice is one that I can make
So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And, with it done, what comes then?
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again
Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice
And do the next right thing"
Saturday, April 25, 2020
Sunday, April 19, 2020
Moved and learning to serve
We moved! It went really smoothly, all things considered. We used the extra 3 weeks to get everything packed. Loading started at 8 am and we finished up around 10:30. We didn't rent a uhaul, instead we had planned to do multiple trips with my dad's trucks and trailer. Amazingly, everything fit in 3 pickup trucks, a trailer, and our minivan. We got it all done in one trip and had the rest of the day to unload and start the daunting task of unpacking.
It's been a week now and we love our new place. So far all of the neighbors we have interacted with have been very friendly. The view from the balcony is a large grass field framed by trees. It's very peaceful to sit out there and hear the birds. The kids love the apartment and there are several kids that play in the green space behind the building. We've enjoyed riding bikes in the parking lot with our new friends too.
Even though things are going pretty well and our new place is great, I've been feeling awful. I've had a hard time with the chaos of boxes everywhere and not being able to find the things I need when I need them. I like/NEED things to be organized. And I can't organize the whole apartment while three kids are disorganizing it faster than me. I was feeling frustrated and trapped and wishing my life could be more manageable. The stay home order is to keep people safe, and I support it, but it's been hard to stay home with little kids and amplified chaos from moving. I feel trapped. Like I'm in a crowded fishbowl. Quin and Ammon haven't been listening very well lately and with everything else going on I felt like I was at my wit's end last night. I knew I needed to go to bed a lot earlier than I did and try not to sleep in. But that was hard because when the kids finally go to bed in the evening I feel like I need to have some time to spend with myself. Sometimes I feel like I miss myself and I hardly know who I am anymore. My identity gets swallowed up in the cries of "mom! momma! mom, mom, mom." I told Michael how I felt and that I didn't want to wake up and do it all again tomorrow. I would rather die. I didn't want to feel that way. I wanted to wake up every morning feeling refreshed and ready to do lots of enriching activities that would create lifelong memories for the kids. I was mad that was not my reality. I prayed and asked for help.
Ruby woke up to nurse around 4:30. When she finished and fell back asleep at 5 I thought about trying to fall asleep for a couple more hours, but instead decided to try getting up early. I've been feeling that's what I should be doing, going to bed early and waking up early. As I got up an annoying pop song was stuck in my head again (Tik Tok). I didn't want to think about the lyrics of that song. Almost as soon as I had that thought, the song "I Feel My Savior's Love" came into my mind instead. As I "listened" to the lyrics float through my mind, I was struck by the 4th verse: "I'll share my Savior's love by serving others freely. In serving I am blessed, in giving I receive." I knew that was my answer to prayer when I asked Heavenly Father to help me with the kids. They're not going to be perfect. I don't have to make them perfect. I just have to serve them. I've tried to keep that in mind today as I put shoes on and off of little feet. I'm not being "put upon" to care for these children. My life isn't over or ruined. I have an opportunity to serve them. I want to remember that the next time I'm cleaning spaghetti sauce off the floor or cleaning up a potty accident. These children are a blessing in my life and my work as a mother is the opportunity to serve them.
It's been a week now and we love our new place. So far all of the neighbors we have interacted with have been very friendly. The view from the balcony is a large grass field framed by trees. It's very peaceful to sit out there and hear the birds. The kids love the apartment and there are several kids that play in the green space behind the building. We've enjoyed riding bikes in the parking lot with our new friends too.
Even though things are going pretty well and our new place is great, I've been feeling awful. I've had a hard time with the chaos of boxes everywhere and not being able to find the things I need when I need them. I like/NEED things to be organized. And I can't organize the whole apartment while three kids are disorganizing it faster than me. I was feeling frustrated and trapped and wishing my life could be more manageable. The stay home order is to keep people safe, and I support it, but it's been hard to stay home with little kids and amplified chaos from moving. I feel trapped. Like I'm in a crowded fishbowl. Quin and Ammon haven't been listening very well lately and with everything else going on I felt like I was at my wit's end last night. I knew I needed to go to bed a lot earlier than I did and try not to sleep in. But that was hard because when the kids finally go to bed in the evening I feel like I need to have some time to spend with myself. Sometimes I feel like I miss myself and I hardly know who I am anymore. My identity gets swallowed up in the cries of "mom! momma! mom, mom, mom." I told Michael how I felt and that I didn't want to wake up and do it all again tomorrow. I would rather die. I didn't want to feel that way. I wanted to wake up every morning feeling refreshed and ready to do lots of enriching activities that would create lifelong memories for the kids. I was mad that was not my reality. I prayed and asked for help.
Ruby woke up to nurse around 4:30. When she finished and fell back asleep at 5 I thought about trying to fall asleep for a couple more hours, but instead decided to try getting up early. I've been feeling that's what I should be doing, going to bed early and waking up early. As I got up an annoying pop song was stuck in my head again (Tik Tok). I didn't want to think about the lyrics of that song. Almost as soon as I had that thought, the song "I Feel My Savior's Love" came into my mind instead. As I "listened" to the lyrics float through my mind, I was struck by the 4th verse: "I'll share my Savior's love by serving others freely. In serving I am blessed, in giving I receive." I knew that was my answer to prayer when I asked Heavenly Father to help me with the kids. They're not going to be perfect. I don't have to make them perfect. I just have to serve them. I've tried to keep that in mind today as I put shoes on and off of little feet. I'm not being "put upon" to care for these children. My life isn't over or ruined. I have an opportunity to serve them. I want to remember that the next time I'm cleaning spaghetti sauce off the floor or cleaning up a potty accident. These children are a blessing in my life and my work as a mother is the opportunity to serve them.
Thursday, April 2, 2020
chaos
Quin has been out of school since March 12th. Ammon hasn't had preschool since then. Parks, libraries, schools, playgrounds, restaurants, movie theaters, zoos, amusement parks, basically anything not essential to human survival is closed. I've really been struggling. I keep the playground or the mall as an emergency backup in case of a crazy parenting day. Now if things get crazy we have to keep staying at home. Michael is still commuting for work in Monmouth. He reasons that the databases and websites he keeps running are essential, and I guess that's true. Right now everyone is shopping online for everything. It's been hard to take care of all 3 kids for 11 hours every weekday. My mom comes over and helps, which makes it survivable; especially since I'm expected to do home school with Quin to keep him caught up. It's been hard to keep Quin on task while entertaining Ammon and Ruby at the same time.
Our new apartment was inspected last week and we had expected to move in sometime this week. After not hearing back for several days Michael called them and they said our paperwork is stuck at the State. We don't know when or even if we'll be moving there.
To add to the excitement, I had a case of mastitis, immediately followed by Ammon having an unresolved ear infection come back, immediately followed by Ruby having an ear infection. I don't feel like I was allowed to recover from my infection. Our sleep has been interrupted over the last two weeks and it augments the stress. I've developed a slight hand tremor and have been screaming a lot more than usual.
Our new apartment was inspected last week and we had expected to move in sometime this week. After not hearing back for several days Michael called them and they said our paperwork is stuck at the State. We don't know when or even if we'll be moving there.
To add to the excitement, I had a case of mastitis, immediately followed by Ammon having an unresolved ear infection come back, immediately followed by Ruby having an ear infection. I don't feel like I was allowed to recover from my infection. Our sleep has been interrupted over the last two weeks and it augments the stress. I've developed a slight hand tremor and have been screaming a lot more than usual.
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