I had an amazing counselling session this morning. I feel like I'm getting to the bottom of my underlying internal issues. A cage deep in my heart has sprung open and a trapped dove is soaring to the top of my soul.
I suffer from a dangerous cocktail of depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive thought disorder, and a dash of bipolar disorder (and probably other things that don't have a name yet.) I've felt broken for years. Irreparable. Garbage. Unlovable.
Before last night I hadn't made dinner in several days. There were four loads of clean laundry on my bed. We could hardly see the table and counter top because of all the clutter. A school art project to work on with Quin. Moving prep to do. And a million other things that need to be taken care of around the house.
It bothers me. It bothers me that I can't get it all done. I never feel like I'm good enough.
I've realized that "good enough" for me means perfect. Toxic perfectionism has been poisoning me for years. I'm so afraid to make a mistake I feel like I've spent most of my life tiptoeing across a field of eggshells. When I inevitably make a mistake, I ruminate on it until it feels like there's bile in my mind.
I felt bad for Michael for having a lousy wife. Painful guilt stabbed me as I thought of the psychological damage my depression would have on Ruby. I felt helpless knowing there was nothing I could do to fix my broken-ness. I've tried! Since I was 15 I've been trying to minimize depression's effect on my life.
I told Michael about my feelings. He was really confused that I could feel less lovable because of my failures. He expressed his unbounded love for me, regardless of how the house looks. He loved me when I felt unlovable and that helped me feel more comfortable in my skin.
What I learned today is I am worth loving. I am worth saving. It's important to try my best and forgive when my best falls short of perfect. And to extend the same benevolence to others.
As I drove home from the counselling session, I recalled an experience I had recently. A friend did something that bothered me. I did what I normally do to deal with these types of issues: I neatly tucked the grudge away, far from the surface but easy to access when needed.
I thought about all that we had talked about that morning in counselling in the mercy that Michael had extended to me by loving me when I couldn't love myself. Feelings of love swelled within me. I know that she is worth loving. She is worth saving. I know she is trying her best. As I thought of her with compassion and forgiveness, I could feel the tiny grudge slip into the breeze and evaporate in the warmth of peace.
Thank you Michael (my husband), Mark (my counselor), and Jesus (my savior) for helping me see that I am worth loving.
Tuesday, February 11, 2020
Wednesday, February 5, 2020
Big News
We’re moving to Monmouth in March.
This was probably the toughest decision we’ve had to make in our marriage. Part of it was financial. We simply can’t afford the gas for Michael’s commute. He’s not making as much as we had hoped. But a big part of it is: our family needs Michael to be closer. We searched for jobs in Lebanon, but this one in Monmouth is the right one. He loves it and it’s great experience for his computer science career.
The hardest part is moving an hour away from my parents. We’ve enjoyed seeing them almost every day for the past two years. My mom does so much for me. My parents have been wonderful, generous landlords. I’m heartbroken to leave behind the play structure that my dad built for Ammon last summer. I was looking forward to watching my kids grow as they played on it, holding secret meetings and racing toy cars down the slide. I’m going to miss this house. It’s been perfect for us. I’ll especially miss the garage, fenced backyard, walking path and creek behind our house, and the beautiful acoustic piano that I’ve been teaching piano lessons at. We’re moving into an apartment that won’t have any of those. It feels like quite a downgrade to go from a house to an apartment, even if the apartments are brand new.
Right now we’re in an awkward limbo state. A paralyzed suspense as the move is both far away and just around the corner. The future looks especially foggy in my crystal ball. Do I go ahead and schedule appointments? Will we even be able to see the same dentist in Albany when we move to a different county? (Which affects our insurance). What about the logistics of Quins school dropoff/pickup?
I hate moving. It’s like having a baby. An exciting idea, but there’s a lot of pain and hard work during the labor/moving day part. Every time I move or have a baby I swear to myself that I’ll NEVER do this again. And then a few years later I forget and do it again.
But something that has helped me a lot is practicing gratitude with Michael. We take turns saying things we’re grateful for together in the evening. It buoys me up and helps me clean up the negative thoughts that bite during the day. So I’m thankful for the years we got to live in the same town as my parents. I’ve wanted that ever since we had kids. I’m thankful for the time and love my dad put into the play structure and all the fun times I’ve had playing with the kids on it. I’m thankful that we were able to find excellent doctors here in Lebanon. I’m thankful for the loving ward family who were patient with me as I learned how to accompany a choir at the piano and a congregation at the organ. I’m thankful that I got to serve in nursery while Ammon was 3. I’m thankful for the many friends who have made life so sweet here. I’m thankful to Tracy for taking Quin to school in the morning. Im thankful for Quins teacher who has been patient and supportive as Quin navigates kindergarten. I’m thankful for music makers and the opportunity I had to lead it for a while. I’m thankful we got to experience the quirky turkey pageant, hike Peterson butte, and enjoy downtown music and Christmas lights.
This was probably the toughest decision we’ve had to make in our marriage. Part of it was financial. We simply can’t afford the gas for Michael’s commute. He’s not making as much as we had hoped. But a big part of it is: our family needs Michael to be closer. We searched for jobs in Lebanon, but this one in Monmouth is the right one. He loves it and it’s great experience for his computer science career.
The hardest part is moving an hour away from my parents. We’ve enjoyed seeing them almost every day for the past two years. My mom does so much for me. My parents have been wonderful, generous landlords. I’m heartbroken to leave behind the play structure that my dad built for Ammon last summer. I was looking forward to watching my kids grow as they played on it, holding secret meetings and racing toy cars down the slide. I’m going to miss this house. It’s been perfect for us. I’ll especially miss the garage, fenced backyard, walking path and creek behind our house, and the beautiful acoustic piano that I’ve been teaching piano lessons at. We’re moving into an apartment that won’t have any of those. It feels like quite a downgrade to go from a house to an apartment, even if the apartments are brand new.
Right now we’re in an awkward limbo state. A paralyzed suspense as the move is both far away and just around the corner. The future looks especially foggy in my crystal ball. Do I go ahead and schedule appointments? Will we even be able to see the same dentist in Albany when we move to a different county? (Which affects our insurance). What about the logistics of Quins school dropoff/pickup?
I hate moving. It’s like having a baby. An exciting idea, but there’s a lot of pain and hard work during the labor/moving day part. Every time I move or have a baby I swear to myself that I’ll NEVER do this again. And then a few years later I forget and do it again.
But something that has helped me a lot is practicing gratitude with Michael. We take turns saying things we’re grateful for together in the evening. It buoys me up and helps me clean up the negative thoughts that bite during the day. So I’m thankful for the years we got to live in the same town as my parents. I’ve wanted that ever since we had kids. I’m thankful for the time and love my dad put into the play structure and all the fun times I’ve had playing with the kids on it. I’m thankful that we were able to find excellent doctors here in Lebanon. I’m thankful for the loving ward family who were patient with me as I learned how to accompany a choir at the piano and a congregation at the organ. I’m thankful that I got to serve in nursery while Ammon was 3. I’m thankful for the many friends who have made life so sweet here. I’m thankful to Tracy for taking Quin to school in the morning. Im thankful for Quins teacher who has been patient and supportive as Quin navigates kindergarten. I’m thankful for music makers and the opportunity I had to lead it for a while. I’m thankful we got to experience the quirky turkey pageant, hike Peterson butte, and enjoy downtown music and Christmas lights.
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