Breaking Free

I had an amazing counselling session this morning. I feel like I'm getting to the bottom of my underlying internal issues. A cage deep in my heart has sprung open and a trapped dove is soaring to the top of my soul.

I suffer from a dangerous cocktail of depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive thought disorder, and a dash of bipolar disorder (and probably other things that don't have a name yet.) I've felt broken for years. Irreparable. Garbage. Unlovable.

Before last night I hadn't made dinner in several days. There were four loads of clean laundry on my bed. We could hardly see the table and counter top because of all the clutter. A school art project to work on with Quin. Moving prep to do. And a million other things that need to be taken care of around the house.

It bothers me. It bothers me that I can't get it all done. I never feel like I'm good enough.
I've realized that "good enough" for me means perfect. Toxic perfectionism has been poisoning me for years. I'm so afraid to make a mistake I feel like I've spent most of my life tiptoeing across a field of eggshells. When I inevitably make a mistake, I ruminate on it until it feels like there's bile in my mind.

I felt bad for Michael for having a lousy wife. Painful guilt stabbed me as I thought of the psychological damage my depression would have on Ruby. I felt helpless knowing there was nothing I could do to fix my broken-ness. I've tried! Since I was 15 I've been trying to minimize depression's effect on my life.
I told Michael about my feelings. He was really confused that I could feel less lovable because of my failures. He expressed his unbounded love for me, regardless of how the house looks. He loved me when I felt unlovable and that helped me feel more comfortable in my skin.

What I learned today is I am worth loving. I am worth saving. It's important to try my best and forgive when my best falls short of perfect. And to extend the same benevolence to others.

As I drove home from the counselling session, I recalled an experience I had recently. A friend did something that bothered me. I did what I normally do to deal with these types of issues: I neatly tucked the grudge away, far from the surface but easy to access when needed.
I thought about all that we had talked about that morning in counselling in the mercy that Michael had extended to me by loving me when I couldn't love myself. Feelings of love swelled within me. I know that she is worth loving. She is worth saving. I know she is trying her best. As I thought of her with compassion and forgiveness, I could feel the tiny grudge slip into the breeze and evaporate in the warmth of peace.

Thank you Michael (my husband), Mark (my counselor), and Jesus (my savior) for helping me see that I am worth loving.