I've been feeling dangerously close to another mental breakdown lately. I've been in the emergency room 3 times for mental health crises. I'm starting to wonder if visit number 4 is creeping up on me. Layers of mental illness smother my brain and make it difficult for me to function. As a mother of an independent preschooler. As a parent of kids in public school. As a fun piano teacher and church music leader. As a normal adult. As an adequate partner in my marriage.
Michael took care of Ruby in the middle of the night so I could sleep through the night. This morning I had the energy to do things normal humans do, get the boys off to the bus stop on time, take care of the dishes, get the laundry folded and start a new load, feed the cat and treat her for fleas and spray the areas she hangs out in (yes, that's part of the adventure right now). After my caregiving job I even had the energy to help Ruby ride her big girl bike when she asked me to (in the friggin frigid cold!).
Being productive is usually how I measure the value of my day. It makes me feel good. But today I felt a tinge of sadness thinking that my awesome day was what a normal day should be for anyone else. That inevitably I would sink back into being exhausted, depressed, and curled up in my bed every possible moment. Because that's the real me. And no matter how much I want it, I'll never be able to function at a high enough level to have an actually successful life. I know some of the constant tiredness comes from depression. Some of it is from always being overwhelmed, and I'm easily overwhelmed. Some of it is from insomnia. And being stupid and staying up too late with Michael to keep from forgetting who my husband is or so I could feel like I have a fraction of a life outside of taking care of kids. Some of it is from thyroid issues we haven't been able to figure out a solution to.
Anyway, the exhaustion that normally hits me before 10 am didn't come in waves over me until noon. I laid down and listened to Ruby play in the other room while I thought about the things I had listened to on the Come Follow Me podcast. I liked the way Dr. Jenet Erickson described the challenge of having a strong willed daughter as an opportunity for her to grow. It made me think my mental illness(es) are probably an opportunity for my spirit to grow. I was thinking about the many shortcomings I've had in the past and how the atonement covers them and fills everything in. It made me think that the atonement is working for the things I fail at now. Not that I shouldn't try or make it my excuse. But I'm trying my best and I feel like I'm about to break. I'm not proud of it, but sometimes I wish I could die so I could just get a little rest.
As I pondered all these things I felt the spirit whisper to me "you don't need to hurt yourself trying to be enough." I know God met me where I was with a message I desperately needed to hear. I felt His love and knew that His plan is for me and that it is working in my life. I wanted to share it with everyone I can. Life is all about relationships, it's not about tasks. Life is getting us ready for heaven, where it is all about relationships.
I thought about my priorities in life. Initially I put my relationship with my kids at the top, but then I remembered my relationship with God needs to come before that. I was so grateful that I had a few minutes to meditate and think and work on my relationship with him this afternoon.
