Dear Quin,
You made this for me when I was having a bad day. It really touched me and filled my insides with warmth and love.
I'm not okay right now. I know you can tell. I've been yelling at you and your brother lately. Little things will set me off. I cried in your bed as I "snuggled" you tonight. Ammon told me "you have to be happy." He couldn't understand that the happy inside of me feels like it's all dried up. You patted my shoulder and gently encouraged me to "cheer up." Thank you for being so sweet. Thank you for taking Ammon outside to play when you noticed that I was getting overwhelmed. Thank you for noticing when I was sad and making me a picture that says "I love you." It's exactly what I needed.
Here are a few things you can't understand yet about what's going on:
Daddy started a new job the beginning of August. He is doing computer programming for/with a family friend that he knew when he was a young man. He's very lucky to have gotten this job. He finally has a chance to use his computer science degree and learn important and useful skills like database management and web development. He is learning and growing so much more than he could have at his other job as a copier technician. I'm happy for him. He seems happy. On a Sunday he asked me "is it weird that I'm excited to go back to work tomorrow and program?" He drives for an hour each way and he leaves for work at 6 am. He usually gets home after 5 pm.
I've been teaching piano for two years now. I love it and it makes me happy. I'm just not a good business person. I've been spending too much money on it and not making enough. I want to teach just for fun and not because we need the money. But we could really use some extra money right now.
Daddy is on a trial period at work. That means they're trying him out to see if he'll be a good fit for the company and they want to see how good a job he can do. During the trial period he doesn't make very much money. Right now we don't have enough to pay for our rent, groceries, utilities, gas, car payment, and all of the household expenses. So when you ask if we can buy the blue ninja costume, that's why I have to say "no." There's no fun money. And that's okay. We have what we need. For now.
We don't know exactly when the trial period will end. And we don't know exactly how much we'll make at the end of it. Daddy seems confident that things are going well, but I'm nervous that this job isn't going to work out. Like many other jobs before this one. I feel scared, Quin. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know how we're going to make it. I've looked into finding a real job for me, but I don't have a degree. I wouldn't be able to earn enough to pay for you and your siblings to go to daycare. We don't want you to go to daycare. We want you home with me. Being a full time mom IS my real job. But it feels like we can't afford that either. Even if I did get a job, that would add different layers of hard. I already can't keep up with the laundry, the daily to-do's, and housekeeping. How could I possibly do a good enough job at a potential workplace. I'm failing at my life right now and it's not even that hard. I'm sure there are people who are jealous of what I have. People who aren't able to have kids, or who don't have a healthy body or a loving husband like I do. I'm trying to be grateful and notice what I do have.
I feel crushed though. When I pray I feel that Heavenly Father is telling me to wait. Things will work out. There are good times ahead. I feel prompted that getting a job outside the home is not the right choice for me right now. When I talk to you about it you simply tell me "we just need to work more to make more money." When I mentioned that getting more piano students would help, you enthusiastically chimed, "I'll be your new piano student!" I feel so guilty that I haven't been investing the time and energy into teaching you to play this fall like I had planned to.
I can't solve this problem. I've tried to get more piano students and it hasn't worked. I feel like I'm struggling just to keep the few I have already. Who would want me as their teacher anyway. I feel like I barely know anything and I almost never have time to invest in my lesson prep. I feel guilty that people are paying me to teach their kids piano. I could be doing so much better.
I'm trying to be very careful with the budget. I've been planning and cooking the most inexpensive meals I can and trying not to waste any food. I've cut back on online shopping, deleted my Facebook account, which was draining my time and building clutter in my brain. I've been trying to help daddy with ideas and solutions to problems at work. I wonder if my efforts are just annoying to him and his boss. Everything I've done still hasn't been enough. I feel that it's not for me to solve this problem, but to learn from this experience. I'm scared that daddy won't be able to solve it. I know that God can solve any problem. I hope it is in His will to help us through this one.
I hope that you are reading this on the other side of this trial. I hope you can see and recognise the hand of the Lord in our lives. I hope that we have been strengthened as a family because of it.
Thank you, my son, for doing your part to make things better for me. I'll treasure the love note you wrote me in kindergarten forever.
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