The Accidental Gardener

I've always wanted to be good at gardening. I'm not. My mom calls me the "accidental gardener." When I plant things they sometimes grow inexplicably well, in spite of intermittent neglect. Other times things that get lots of care and attention still wither away. 

Last month I was diagnosed with a thought disorder. It's called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. When I received the diagnosis I was initially shocked and disappointed. Everyone feels like they have OCD! And if you take a look around my messy house you probably wouldn't believe I have it. But it's not that I need everything to be clean (although it does bother me when it's not- and that has made motherhood hard for me). My problem is my mind is frequently assaulted by unwanted, disturbing thoughts. That's where the disorder lies. 

Here are a few examples: while driving I get the impulse to run the car off the road to see what it would look like after it stopped rolling. My inner voice is incredibly harsh and judgmental. I'm always dwelling on dumb things I've done that I'm sure have made people dislike me. My mind plays out horrible scenes in which my children are harmed and/or killed in front of me. I am ashamed to admit this, but I often compare Michael to other men and internally criticize him, feeling jealous and discontent. The thing that bothers me most about these intrusive thoughts is how I feel it reflects on me as a person for having them. I desperately wish I could extinguish all of them forever. Especially the negative thoughts about my husband. I want to be completely faithful to him in every thought and I desperately want to feel content in my marriage. 

While the diagnosis is new, the disorder has been there for most of my life. I can see now that when I was in middle school it was at it's worst. In the morning I would lay in bed and stare at the clock until the minutes were divisible by the hour. If 6:36 am rolled around and I didn't get up I would make myself wait until 6:42 am. I dieted and exercised excessively because I believed I was fat and should look better. I still catch myself obsessing about my weight. Motherhood has not been easy on my body or my mind. I've been plagued with it for a long time, without having a name for it and with the wrong diagnosis of Bipolar for the last two years. My horrible, paranoid thoughts have made it difficult for me to sustain lasting relationships and I have spent a lot of my adult life feeling like I'm a horrible person for having them. I was stewing on some negative thoughts about my church that were bothering me when I had an amazing revelation. I felt like I needed to share it with you: 

The mind is like a garden. I am the gardener. Negative thoughts are the weeds. It is so easy for them to take root. If you leave them there they can spread and multiply very quickly. There's no easy way to keep them out, and it doesn't make you a bad gardener if weeds sprout in your garden. The way to control weeds is to pull them out when you notice them. So when you have an unwanted, critical, or negative thought, just think of it as a weed. You're not a bad gardener for having a weed. Just realize it's not a thought or idea you want to cultivate in your garden and pull it out and toss it. Spend your energy on the things you do want to cultivate. 

I would like to take this parable a step further; education is like unto intensive gardening. When you go to college, learn a language or an instrument, it's like you are building a new raised bed in the garden of your mind. It's hard work! It takes a lot of effort to learn to play the piano. You have to pour practice into your new skill just as you would pour water over the seeds you so carefully tucked under their bed of earth. In addition to cultivating the skills, talents, and knowledge you would like to have in the garden of your mind, it's important to put energy into cultivating positive thoughts. It's not easy to be content in an imperfect situation. It is hard to focus on the positive when someone has hurt you. It takes time for a situation or habit to change, just as gardening takes patience and time. 

I love this quote and the guidance it gives me in my mind-gardening journey:"Never suppress a generous thought." -Camilla E. Kimball

Don't pull out the good plants in your garden!

Conversely, addictions are like pernicious weeds. They sink their roots deep into the soil of your mind. Some addictions will leave bits of root behind that continue to generate new sprouts. Just keep pulling at those weeds! It's possible to create a beautiful garden no matter how many or how deep the weeds are. It's painful and takes a lot of energy, but it can be done.  

It takes time to change. That's what grace is all about. Our church puts a huge focus on eternal progression. We should constantly be re-evaluating ourselves to see what we could do better as we inch toward to goal of perfection. That mindset has been really hard on me as a person suffering from mental illness. My imperfections blatantly scream at me inside my head all day. It makes me feel like I could never truly be content while I'm mortal and thus, doomed to imperfection. But the parable of the mind-garden helps here too. A dedicated gardener is never truly "done" gardening. Seasons come and go, you learn from each one. It always seems like old people make the best gardeners because they have so much experience that can only be gained during a specific growing season. That is so true with our lives! It's okay if there are things that we could do to increase the production of the garden. The soil can be amended, beneficial insects can be encouraged, new seeds can be purchased. But also enjoy the fruit that this season has brought. Don't dwell on the bitterness of what could have been. Use the knowledge you've gained to benefit your garden during the next season. Michael helped me figure this out when he said: "'Bettering yourself' is really the same things as 'finding happiness'." 

Anyway,  thanks for reading my ramblings :) I wrote this because my thoughts cause me pain and it feels better to get them out of my head and put them in a place where other people can read them. I hope it can help someone as well as help others better understand people with thought disorders.